Father Mode

Our fathers do so much to shape our lives, yet there is little written about their personality styles and the way they parent. Seems like we don't really try to get to know their personalities in the same way we do our mother's. Here's a look at the 8 different Father Styles based on the Striving Styles Personality System. Which style sounds most like your dad? How has it affected you? Let us know by sharing a comment.

 The Socializer Father Striving to be social
At his best: The socializer dad enjoys people, is popular with other parents and his children's friends. He is friendly, sociable and enthusiastic about most things. He enjoys being a father and makes relationships with his and his children's friends, the family, and the community a priority. Well-organized, enthusiastic and resourceful, the socializer father often stands out as a "super dad", wholeheartedly involved in his children's activities and events, often more so than other dads. He works hard to ensure his children know how to get along with others and have the social skills to reflect his own standards.

He is involved, caring and empathetic, and capable of providing emotional support to his children and their friends. He places a high value on communication and encourages his children to express themselves freely.

Potential pitfalls: Because he enjoys coordinating and participating in events for his family, he doesn't understand it when his children don't want to join in. Socializer Dad can take this personally and will feel frustrated, annoyed, and hurt. He is not above making his children feel guilty for wanting to do their own thing and does not promote individualism. Because he believes in the importance of social status and relationships, he is embarrassed when his children don't behave with manners. He struggles to understand and accept a child who is different, especially introverted children. Instead of accepting differences in children and childlike behaviour, such as arguing and disobedience, he will demand conformity to his wishes, "flying off the handle," or use affection to control difficult situations

They call it Father's Day as if it were some across-the-board, uniform thing for everyone everywhere. But as any father knows, Father's Day is very much a moving, evolving, ever-changing event—especially in 2014.

The nature of fatherhood—at least in my world, the educated, middle-ish class West—has changed so much in the last 50 years, I almost feel like they should give it a different name, like Modern Father's Day. Or maybe just blend Mother's Day and Father's Day into Parent Day.

My role as a father and my wife's as a mother are so fluid: I make some of the money, do some of the housework and almost all of the cooking and shopping, mostly because I enjoy these activities and my wife, Pam, demonstrably does not. But it changes and evolves and adapts on an ad hoc basis. If I get busy (recently, on top of writing, I was doing three hours of radio each night), she will get in there and do the lioness's share of the cooking and cleaning, old-time-wife-style. If she gets busy or has to go away on business, I'm the guy in the apron.

Most dads I know are more involved fathers than our fathers were—to the point where many of us, myself included, don't even like the term "involved father." Just say "dad" and we hope that'll cover it. And within the context of each father's experience, there are various stages of fatherhood, all dramatically different. Time has passed. I can now speak from experience to share this with you.


Pregnancy
It begins, of course, with the proverbial gleam in a father's eye. Gazing at his partner's growing belly, the man starts to ponder what sort of father he will be and to imagine the reality of fatherhood. To this day, my wife mocks me for having said, "I just don't know how I could love a kid more than [our cat] Squirly." I may have even thought that I might allow my child to watch a very limited amount of television, but he or she will never play a video game. When I think back on that, I laugh until I want to lay my head down and weep.

The first year
The child arrives. Reality hits. It's like being at the wheel of a car that has hit a patch of ice and, out of control, is spinning toward a brick wall. The kid doesn't sleep! It's crying all the time and I don't know what it wants! This is where a lot of men make serious missteps. The key, gentlemen, is to be as useful and helpful as possible. The problem is, thanks to Hollywood, society believes that men can pilot a flaming jet to the ground but they don't know how to change a diaper. Learn to change diapers. Learn to cook. They say, "Happy wife, happy life." True. And this part of your relationship is a friggin' minefield so tread carefully. Remember that you are both exhausted. One thing you learn when kids are little: They can't be fully happy when tired or thirsty or hungry. Same with you. It's like they tell you in planes: Put the oxygen mask over your face first, then attend to those around you.

The school-age years
I would peg ages between four and 10 as the sweet spot. On weekend mornings, your kids wake you at some unholy hour. You think, Ugh, we have to get up and deal with them. But then you realize you don't: They can get themselves a bowl of cereal and watch cartoons! And you roll over and go to sleep. It's a magical moment.

The tween/teen years
The stage I'm in now is the teen/tween years. I'm the first to admit: They can be challenging. Cellphones, bikes and backpacks fly in all different directions, getting lost in the chaos and entropy. You try to impose order, but the universe and your teenager resist. Time is passing. If you have boys, you go to wake him for school and notice the first faint fuzz of a moustache. If you have a girl… Well, I have all boys, so I'll stick to my area of expertise.

The adult years
I think I have handled all the stages fairly well. What I am in no way emotionally or psychologically prepared for is the next phase of fatherhood: when they leave the nest. People joke about turning kids' rooms into billiard rooms, etc. And that's fine for them. They can joke all they like, but I will be so sad. My boys, my beautiful boys, don't leave me! I've defined myself as a father for 17 years. What will I be then? I'm not ready on any level to say goodbye. Fortunately, about 40 percent of 20-somethings continue to live with their parents. Maybe my boys will fall into that demographic. I certainly hope so

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